A.D.D. BRAIN POO

I just entered the EYE’EM photo award contest. Click HERE to view my submissions.

Here is more info about the contest from their site:

The EYE’EM AWARD is an international competition dedicated to the rise of mobile phone photography as a new artform. It is our mission to create a unique showcase of the scene’s most admired shots and present them to a wider audience… All winning images will be exhibited in an exclusive AWARD EXHIBITION at the Schlechtriem Brothers gallery in Berlin… Moreover the finalists will be published in the EYE’EM Annual.

this is another old blog post about the chinese delivery man in my neighborhood.

Hi. I order from you a lot. I mean like A-FUCKING-LOT! I’m pretty sure the FDA has some sort warning about the amount of fried wantons and chicken wings I consume a month. My wife and I are never rude to your delivery man. The food is usually delicious and delivered in a timely manor. We are usually good tippers, but lately you may have noticed a decrease in the amount in which we do so.

You see, here’s the thing, when I pick up the phone to not only have someone else cook food, but bring it to me as well, it is because I’M FUCKING LAZY! And lately, your delivery man seems to think it’s more time efficient for him to call ahead so that I can meet him downstairs. Mind you, I live on the top floor of a four story walk up. If I’m too lazy to cook or go out to eat, then why the fuck do you think I would want to meet your asshole delivery man downstairs?! I didn’t mind it the first time. I just thought maybe he’s really busy and since he never gave us any problems before, I thought I’d just let it slide. But now it’s a regular occurrence. That fucker has gotten into a really bad habit. So I started tipping him less. First I cut back to just giving him $1. Thought I’d send a message that I won’t stand for his shit. If I have to do half your job, then you get half the pay. But, much to my surprise, he still kept having me go down to get the food. WHAT THE FUCK?! Is that mother fucker playing games? So then I started giving him whatever chump change was left over. I figured, fuck this asshole! He’s lucky I don’t shove my foot in his ass. And you know what? HE STILL CALLS AND HAS ME GO DOWN! So now I reach out to you. The proprietors of this fine establishment. I am requesting that you not have this shit for brains dick wipe deliver my food any more. He obviously has no clue about the demographic to which you are providing your service (lazy fucks like me!). Not to mention the fact that he sets your people back 100 years with that “I no speak english” line. I know he does. He’s just playing dumb. If he delivers to my house again, I swear I’ll knock his ass out, pour alcohol in his mouth and dump his unconscious body in front of the 43 precinct. Try me. I fucking dare you!

this is an old rant from a previous blog i had:

so my wife and i ride the subway everyday. it’s hard enough just getting on the fucking train, but once we’re on we have to deal with the constant elbow poking, nudging, bumping, and fighting that comes with the territory. oh, and let’s not forget the occasional “mysterious odor” that wafts throughout the subway car – the kind that makes you throw up in the back of your mouth. – but it’s not all that bad. there is the everyday entertainment we get from our regular set of crazies. for us it’s the morning ride with the trashy family that sometimes sits across from us. the daughter, who has to be no older than 8, partakes in a healthy well balanced breakfast of skittles, doritos and coke while grandma, in a rather low cut shirt and hot leopard spandex pants (classy), scratches her lotto tickets and throws them on the ground in disgust when she loses. shit! i almost forgot about the methadone couple. oh i used to see these two all the time. you know the type. eyes half closed. nodding in and out of consciousness. then all of a sudden they’d start yelling at each other for no reason. the best part was when they’d argue over who got to listen to the walkman. yes a walkman. that plays TAPES!

i guess subway rides in nyc aren’t all that bad as long as there are less fortunate people to make fun of. like this guy:

over the years i think i may have perfected the best way to wipe my ass. i will now pass this knowledge on to you.

now, the key is to keep your cheeks spread during the wipe. standing is too awkward; you’d have to keep one hand pressed against one cheek to spread it or find some way to prop up your leg “captain morgan” style. both of these methods can be very uncomfortable in a public restroom stall. the best way to accomplish this is to remain seated. for women it’s easy. but for men, this poses a rather awkward scenario considering the extra equipment we have. here is the solution:

STEP 1: reach for the toilet paper dispenser and pull down a piece that is approximately 12-15 inches in length.

STEP 2: fold the piece in half and then in half again. this creates a better protective barrier to shield your genitals from any unwanted diseases that may be lurking about.

STEP 3: slide up towards the front of the bowl while gently placing your genitalia on the protective sheild of t.p.

STEP 4: now that everything is in position, you are free to wipe. keep in mind some toilets are naturally at high tide so make sure your hand doesn’t go to low into the bowl or you may end up with an even bigger mess on your hands.

ENJOY

saw “harry potter and the half blood prince” last night. i thought it was great. some people in the theater felt otherwise:

GUY: this movie was wack. how they gonna end that shit like that?

ME: well there is another book left, so the series isn’t over. they’re actually splitting the last book into two movies.

GUY: they make harry potter books?

ME:

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does anyone else notice how cheerios smells just like urine, or is it just me?

my left ball hangs lower than my right one. i mean it’s not like “cisco adler” low. but it’s still pretty low. should i get this checked out?