Dear Flying Dragon,
this is another old blog post about the chinese delivery man in my neighborhood.
Hi. I order from you a lot. I mean like A-FUCKING-LOT! I’m pretty sure the FDA has some sort warning about the amount of fried wantons and chicken wings I consume a month. My wife and I are never rude to your delivery man. The food is usually delicious and delivered in a timely manor. We are usually good tippers, but lately you may have noticed a decrease in the amount in which we do so.
You see, here’s the thing, when I pick up the phone to not only have someone else cook food, but bring it to me as well, it is because I’M FUCKING LAZY! And lately, your delivery man seems to think it’s more time efficient for him to call ahead so that I can meet him downstairs. Mind you, I live on the top floor of a four story walk up. If I’m too lazy to cook or go out to eat, then why the fuck do you think I would want to meet your asshole delivery man downstairs?! I didn’t mind it the first time. I just thought maybe he’s really busy and since he never gave us any problems before, I thought I’d just let it slide. But now it’s a regular occurrence. That fucker has gotten into a really bad habit. So I started tipping him less. First I cut back to just giving him $1. Thought I’d send a message that I won’t stand for his shit. If I have to do half your job, then you get half the pay. But, much to my surprise, he still kept having me go down to get the food. WHAT THE FUCK?! Is that mother fucker playing games? So then I started giving him whatever chump change was left over. I figured, fuck this asshole! He’s lucky I don’t shove my foot in his ass. And you know what? HE STILL CALLS AND HAS ME GO DOWN! So now I reach out to you. The proprietors of this fine establishment. I am requesting that you not have this shit for brains dick wipe deliver my food any more. He obviously has no clue about the demographic to which you are providing your service (lazy fucks like me!). Not to mention the fact that he sets your people back 100 years with that “I no speak english” line. I know he does. He’s just playing dumb. If he delivers to my house again, I swear I’ll knock his ass out, pour alcohol in his mouth and dump his unconscious body in front of the 43 precinct. Try me. I fucking dare you!
